I'm getting there. I stumble, but I stumble forward...

I'm actually afraid to step on the scale. I can feel the pounds coming off so slowly that I think I'll be disappointed if I look down and see that the needle hasn't moved much.

I went to work overnight last night. It was easy enough work. I just had to watch over a resident that tried to break out of the facility. Literally. She climbed over her roommates bed, took off the screen and had a leg out the window.

Anyway, while my escape artist slept, I conversed with my coworkers. A girl there told me I lost a lot of weight. This made me feel good. Then she asked how much more I wanted to lose. I told her a lot. I'm short. I need a much smaller body weight. She looked at me funny and said that I shouldn't lose too much more. My bone structure looked big and the weight I am now is good on me. I feel like a tub of lard. I'm not quite sure how she justifies that. She said my face is round and if I lose more in my face, it might look sunken in.

I know she's looking out for me, but my weight ideals definately don't match hers. I know I need to keep working. And I will. I know losing thirty more lbs will look even better. I want to prove it. Little did she know, she gave me motivation.

Song right now: Dear Agony by Breaking Benjamin
I have nothing left to give
I have found the perfect end
You were made to make it hurt
Disappear into the dirt
Carry me to heaven's arms
Light the way and let me go
Take the time to take my breath
I will end where I began

And I will find the enemy whithin
Because I can feel it crawl beneath my skin

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Dear Agony

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me
Faceless enemy
I'm so sorry
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony

Suddenly
The lights go out
Let forever
Drag me down
I will fight for one last breath
I will fight until the end

And I will find the enemy within
Because I can feel it crawl beneath my skin

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me
Faceless enemy
I'm so sorry
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony

Leave me alone
God let me go
I'm blue and cold
Black sky will burn
Love pull me down
Hate lift me up
Just turn around
There's nothing left

Somewhere far beyond this world
I feel nothing anymore

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me
Faceless enemy
I'm so sorry
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony

I feel nothing anymore

Starting Over.

I've been doing well the last week. Lost about four lbs. I'm living with my grandparents because my grandpa is sick and I was asked to take care of him. He get's concerned with how much I don't eat. Constantly pushing me to eat what my grandmother cooks. I tell him I'm not hungry and make myself a protein shake to fill me up. I'm downing water like crazy. I broke down a bit tonight and took a helping of plain chocolate cake. It wasn't great. I don't know why I did it. Weakness perhaps. But still, I've resolved to keep doing better. My calorie counter on my new phone is amazing. I love that app.

Hope everyone is doing well. Got some work to do tonight. Sleep tight.

Song tonight: Need You Now by Lady Antebellum
Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever crossed your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin at all

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
I just need you now
Ooo, baby, I need you now