Now that Thanksgiving is over...

Time to get back on the horse. I definately gained weight over the week, but I'm going to start fresh now. I can't walk at the mall like I had been. It's too busy with Christmas shoppers.

This is the final straw.






Song right now: I Feel Perfect by Porcelain and the Tramps
The other day I had to stop and think
And boy I love the way you get to me
So I took a hit and poured another drink
Your porcel frame is where I sucked it clean
(Oh yeah!)

I can never stop myself from falling over
You can never stop yourself from coming over
I can feel you coming closer and closer
Baby don't stop now, baby don't stop now!

I can never stop myself from falling over
You can never stop yourself from coming over
I can feel you coming closer and closer
Baby don't stop now, baby don't stop now!

I love the ways that you crawl in me
And the way it feels when you peel my clothes off me
The palm of my hand's where I hold the key
I feel like a glove, it's not the extacy
(Oh yeah!)

I can never stop myself from falling over
You can never stop yourself from coming over
I can feel you coming closer and closer
Baby don't stop now, baby don't stop now!

I can never stop myself from falling over
You can never stop yourself from coming over
I can feel you coming closer and closer
Baby don't stop now, baby don't stop now!

Don't stop
Til you please me
Don't stop
Til you please me
Don't, don't stop
Don't stop, don't stop
Don't stop, oh
Why don't you come over
And slip into something a little more comfortable
Slip into me
How does that feel baby
Oh wait don't tell me
I already know
I feel perfect!
I feel deep in you...

I can never stop myself from falling over
You can never stop yourself from coming over
I can feel you coming closer and closer
Baby don't stop now, baby don't stop now!

I can never stop myself from falling over
You can never stop yourself from coming over
I can feel you coming closer and closer
Baby don't stop now, baby don't stop now!

Don't stop
Til you please me
Don't stop
Til you please me
Don't, don't stop
Til you please me
Don't stop
Til you please me

I can never stop myself from falling over
You can never stop yourself from coming over
I can feel you coming closer and closer
Baby don't stop now, baby don't stop now!

I can never stop myself from falling over
You can never stop yourself from coming over
I can feel you coming closer and closer
Baby don't stop now, baby don't stop now!

sigh, another screw up...

It seems my family has it out for me. Actually, no, not their fault. I went to the girls night out with my cousin. I indulged in mini tacos and booze. I suck. However, I got a pretty rad industrial piercing in my right ear that made me feel a bit better. I was expecting it to hurt more than it did, but it was just uncomfortable more than anything.

I'm starting back up again. 273 calories burned out walking. I might go again tonight before I go home to watch House.

Song of today: Should've Known Better by Sick Puppies
You take me for a ride and I don't even know the setup
Get into a fight just to make the sex better
You got a hold of me but there ain't nothing here that's holding you down
I believed in this except it wasn't getting better
You got me in the middle but I never found the center
Even when you know what I know it's not stopping you now

I can't always see what's in front of me
No I can hardly breathe suffocating me bleeding it out
All over the ground

Tell me when it's over
Wake me when I'm sober
The scars too hard to hide
I should've known better
If only I could be strong enough to see that it's over
I wish I'd never met you
'Cause you were supposed to be coming back to me
Where are you now?
I should've known better

I got a new plan but it ain't nothing but a mirror
Of everything we had just before you became a winner
The love the lie is nothing but a memory now

I can't always see what's in front of me
No I can hardly breathe suffocating me bleeding it out
All over the ground

Tell me when it's over
Wake me when I'm sober
The scars too hard to hide
I should've known better
If only I could be strong enough to see that it's over
I wish I'd never met you
'Cause you were supposed to be coming back to me
Where are you now?
I should've known better

You take me for a ride and I don't even know the setup
Get into a fight just to make the sex better
You got a hold of me but there ain't nothing here that's holding you down
I believed in this except it wasn't getting better
You got me in the middle but I never found the center
Even when you know what I know it's not stopping you now

I can't always see what's in front of me
No I can hardly breathe suffocating me bleeding it out
All over the ground

Tell me when it's over
Wake me when I'm sober
The scars too hard to hide
I should've known better
If only I could be strong enough to see that it's over
I wish I'd never met you
'Cause you were supposed to be coming back to me
Where are you now?

Tell me when it's over
Wake me when I'm sober
The scars too hard to hide
I should've known better
If only I could be strong enough to see that it's over
I wish I'd never met you
'Cause you were supposed to be coming back to me
Where are you now?
I should've known better

So wake me when I'm sober
The scars too hard to hide
I should've known better
If only I could be strong enough to see that it's over
I wish I'd never loved you
'Cause you were supposed to be coming back to me
Where are you now?

I screwed up...

I suck. Plain and simple.

I'm down 15 lbs, but I lost only one pound in 3 days. I'm at a plateau. Yes, I indulged because I made my family dinner and I wanted to see if it was any good. But I couldn't resist the brownies I made either. I feel like I'm a failure.

I walked an hour today. I walk really fast. According to the calorie burning calculator I burned 397 calories. Then again, I can't be sure if I walk 4 or 5 mph. Seriously, I have no idea how fast I walk and I have no idea how far I walk when I'm at the mall. If its 5 mph, then its like, over 600 calories I burned. I do know that I burned a lot because I feel like it was a good workout. Power walking has become my new drug. I can't go a day without it. I did the day I went into Iowa with mom, and that drove me crazy.

I keep dreaming of the day that I slip on those size 2 jeans, but as they say in Cinderella, "dreamers never make the dream come true." I totally believe that. That's why I'm not dreaming anymore. I'm doing.

Song today: One More by Superchick
It feels like I have lost this fight
They think that I am staying down
But I'm not giving up tonight
Tonight the wall is coming down
I am stronger than my fears
This is the mountain that I climb
Got 100 steps to go
Tonight I'll make it 99

One more
Go one more
Yeah, yeah
Don't stop now
Go one more
Yeah, yeah
One more

Go one more
Go one more
Yeah, yeah

I have everything to lose
By not getting up to fight
I might get used to giving up
So I am showing up tonight
I am my own enemy
The battle fought within my mind
If I can overcome step one
I can face the 99

Happy Birthday to me...

kinda sad when the only two people who acknowledge your birthday are the woman cashing your check at walmart and your absentminded grandfather....

Surprisingly enough, hunger doesn’t hurt anymore. The simplest things I am finding satisfying. I might’ve binged slightly last night on the food my mother made, but I more than made up for it by burning all those calories at the mall today. I come out ahead either way. Today all I had was my salad and a bag of those 100 calorie shortbread cookies. Seriously, I think those are my weakness….those and Junior Mints.

I’m bound and determined to lose at least ten more pounds by thanksgiving. Tomorrow morning I am going to weigh myself and see where I am at. Hopefully, I’ll be nearing my goal for the month. The only one who has made a comment so far on my weight loss is my aunt when I went to visit her last week. I was only down nine then. Plus, I hadn’t seen her in months, so when I start getting positive feedback from those who see me the most, then I will start celebrating. But I won’t celebrate too much as I have a long way to go. I want to be happy when I look at myself in the mirror. All I see now, is a bit of progress. I’ll take some photos tomorrow to document my ten day difference. I am hoping that I’ll eventually have such dramatic results one day, possibly by the end of the year that I’ll be able to put up the pictures to show my transition.

Today I walked over nine laps at the mall in an hour. While my muscles ached a bit afterward, the speed and length of the walk felt so good. I felt like I could go another few laps. Listening to great music helps too. I also find that I window shop a lot and mentally picture myself in the beautiful clothing in the displays as I walk by. That is my thinspiration during my walks. I tell myself that I will look good in those clothes one day. Being thin is all that matters now.
Currently, my goal is the skinny jeans I just bought that are a size too small. Yes, I did that on purpose. I want cute knee high boots to go with them. I am hoping to wear them for Thanksgiving. Wish me luck. If I keep on with my current progress, I think I’ll make it.

Song right now: Careless Whisper, cover by Seether
I feel so unsure
As I take your hand and lead you to the dance floor
as the music dies
something in your eyes
calls to mind a silver screen
and all its sad goodbyes

I’m never gonna dance again
These guilty feet have got no rhythm
though it’s easy to pretend
I know you’re not a fool
I should’ve known better than to cheat a friend
and waste the chance that I’ve been given
So I’m never gonna dance again
the way I danced with you.

Time can never mend
The careless whispers of a good friend
To the heart and mind
ignorance is kind
And there’s no comfort in the truth
pain is all you’ll find.
I’m never gonna dance again
These guilty feet have got no rhythm
though it’s easy to pretend
I know you’re not a fool
I should’ve known better than to cheat a friend
and waste the chance that I’ve been given
So I’m never gonna dance again
the way I danced with you.

Tonight the music seems so loud
I wish that we could lose this crowd
Maybe it’s better this way
We’d hurt each other with the things we wanna say
We could’ve been so good together
We could’ve lived this dance forever
Now whose gonna dance with me?
Please stay.

I’m never gonna dance again
These guilty feet have got no rhythm
though it’s easy to pretend
I know you’re not a fool
I should’ve known better than to cheat a friend
and waste the chance that I’ve been given
So I’m never gonna dance again
the way I danced with you.

todays inspiration:

Gotten used to this whole life...

Apparently, my bro was wrong about New Moon being this week. It's next week. Bummer. Ah well. I'll probably be going anyway.

I am really working hard to try and resist temptations yet again. I feel like I keep setting myself up for failure. However, I keep pushing on, and I'm finally starting to see results, though, they aren't as dramatic as I wish they'd be.

My stomach is making noises, but I kinda like the feeling. It means I'm winning.

Song right now: The Phrase That Pays, by the Academy Is...
My eyes can't believe what they have seen.
In the corner of your room you've stockpiled millions of my memories.
Oh Doctor, Doctor, I must have gotten this sick somehow.
I'm going to ask you a series of questions,
And I want them answered on the spot, right now.
Is it serious?
I'm afraid it is.
Am I gonna die?
Well son, death is gonna catch up to all one day,
But yours is coming quicker than ours, than ours.

Some things I may have taken for granted again and again,
well here's what was said then

Hold your head high heavy heart.
So take a chance and make it big,
Cause it’s the last you’ll ever get.
If we don’t take it, when will we make it?
I make plans to break plans,
And I’ve been planning something big, planning something big, planning.

I’ve never tried to make the best of my time,
When I thought that I had plenty of it.
Is this serious?
I don’t know what to think.
Is it all a lie?
Well one thing is for sure
I'm taken back to the glory days
When we were kids without a brash or bitter thing to say.

Now my life is one big make it, or break it.

Hold your head high heavy heart
Save your strength for the morning after.
So take a chance and make it big,
Cause it’s the last you’ll ever get.
If we don’t take it, when will we make it?
I make plans to break plans,
And I’ve been planning something big, planning something big
So take a chance and make it big,
Cause it’s the last you’ll ever get.
If we don’t take it, when will we make it?
I make plans to break plans,
And I’ve been planning something big, planning something big, planning.

Ten down, a lot to go...

I'm feeling really good about myself. It's amazing how fast weight can drop when you find the will power. Even after my unfortunate day Monday where I had to eat so much with my Aunt and Mom, I didn't gain. I'm down ten lbs in nine days. But it's not good enough. I need to push myself.

Tonight, we are going out to the midnight showing of New Moon. Of course there will be the temptation of candy and things, but I'm a step ahead of temptation. I brought a 100 calorie package of shortbread cookies. My only indulgence for a while. I had strawberries and whipped cream before leaving. I'm at about 120 calories, plus the 100 cals for the cookies, and my intake will be 220ish for today. But I also did my walking. So, that makes up for everything in the end. I'm pretty happy.

Song today: 45 by Shinedown
Send away for a priceless gift
One not subtle, one not on the list
Send away for a perfect world
One not simply, so absurd
In these times of doing what you're told
Keep these feelings, no one knows
What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,(45)
I'm swimming through the ashes of another life(nother life)
There's no real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45

Send a message to the unborn child
Keep your eyes open for a while
In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else
There's a piece of a puzzle known as life
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight

What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,(45)
I'm swimming through the ashes of another life(nother life)
There's no real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45

Everyone's pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
And nobody knows what I believe
I believe

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,(45)
I'm swimming through the ashes of another life(nother life)
There's no real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45

Today was a step back...

in iowa visiting my aunt and uncle for the day. unfortunatelythis means i've been forced to eat considering i can't afford suspicions right now. i must've had 2000 plus calories today. it pained me to do so and i couldn't even purge cause i was around people all day. how could my family do this to me?!

im sick of living in this prison of thick flesh. what is wrong with me?

tomorrow i am going to work twice as hard while working.

Success. Slowly but surely, I will get there...

I get on the scale today. I'm down four pounds in the last three days. Three days I've managed to empower myself and stay strong keeping my calorie count under 200, not including everything I've burned with walking, working, and dancing. Today, I'm working on day four. Dancing again tonight. Don't know how much I'm going to do considering I'm going to a place an hour away and I might not know that many dances. We shall see.

I'm worried that Mom is suspecting I'm not eating enough. This morning, she made both of us a smoothie in the morning, complete with protein powder in it. I had to appease her and take a drink. I left the drink in my room and went to take a shower. When I came back, I dumped it in my bathroom sink. I then told her that "ew, you are right. I shouldn't have let it sit. oh and pineapple doesn't taste good with the protein powder." She commented how the frozen pineapple was the only frozen fruit in the freezer. But I left her under the impression that I drank it down. One sip though, shouldn't be my undoing. I'll eat a local spinach leaf salad before leaving to dance.

Here is motivation:







Song right now: Never Good Enough, by Rachel Ferguson
Everybody said
She was a winner
No one knew
The secret kept
Within her
Starving for perfection
Hating her reflection

She tries harder
Then the average teen
An overachiver
With low self-esteem
Wants to walk like a star
But she takes it too far
She's never good enough
Wants to be Mary-Kate
Perfect weight, 88
She's never good enough

Now her friends all know
About her problem
They all try their best
To try to solve them
She feels
Like she's on trial
But she's still
In denial

She tries harder
Then the average teen
An overachiver
With low self-esteem
Wants to walk like a star
But she takes it too far
She's never good enough
Wants to be Mary-Kate
Perfect weight, 88
She's never good enough

Who's in control now?
Who's in control now?

Everybody said
She was a winner
Noone knew the secret
Kept within her

She tries harder
Then the average teen
An overachiver
With low self-esteem
Wants to walk like a star
But she takes it too far
She's never good enough
Wants to be Mary-Kate
Perfect weight, 88
She's never good enough

She tries harder
Then the average teen
An overachiver
With low self-esteem

The last two days have made me feel good...

I've been happy with my restraint for the last two days. Yesterday ended the way I hoped it would. I'm now concentrating on ending my ending day on the same positive note I have the last two days.

I am crossing my fingers and praying that all goes well before I head off to work. Here is some thinspo for motivation.








Song today: Monster by Skillet
The secret side of me, I never let you see
I keep it caged but I can't control it
So stay away from me, the beast is ugly
I feel the rage and I just can't hold it

It's scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls
It comes awake and I can't control it
Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

My secret side I keep hid under lock and key
I keep it caged but I can't control it
'Cause if I let him out he'll tear me up, break me down
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

It's hiding in the dark, it's teeth are razor sharp
There's no escape for me, it wants my soul, it wants my heart
No one can hear me scream, maybe it's just a dream
Maybe it's inside of me, stop this monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I've gotta lose control, he something radical
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

Yesterday was a success. Now, I need to tackle today...

I didn't think I could be that strong yesterday to be perfectly honest. I resisted everything all day. I got home and rewarded myself with strawberries and low cal whipped cream. Grand total just under 100 calories I believe. With everything I burned throughout the day, I was definately successful.

I haven't eaten yet today, which I am grateful for. My stomach growls, but I actually find it easier to stay away from food. It's like a reminder than I'm winning. Odd motivation, but, hey, it's something. I have to work from 4 to 10 tonight. Hopefully I keep busy enough to where I don't think about snatching anything remaining on the snack cart.

You want to know who my motivation is right now? The lead singer of Fall Out Boy. Seriously, you want to see amazing weight loss, check out what he looked like a month and a half ago. He has shrunk so much! People are giving him crap for it saying its not healthy. Shut up. Seriously people. I think he has more confidence now than before. That's exactly what I want most. Confidence.

Until then, I will keep on walking, keep on working, and keep on dancing until I'm a size 2...or better, a zero.

Todays motivation:
















Song today: Snuff by Slipknot
Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again

So if you love me let me go
And run away before I know
My heart is just too dark to care
I can?t destroy what isn?t there

Deliver me into my fate
If I?m alone I cannot hate
I don?t deserve to have you
Ooh, my smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know

I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn?t face a life without your lights
But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight

So save your breath, I will not care
I think I made it very clear
You couldn?t hate enough to love
Is that supposed to be enough?

I only wish you weren?t my friend
Then I could hurt you in the end
I never claimed to be a saint
Ooh, my own was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go

So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself

And I won?t listen to your shame
You ran away, you?re all the same
Angels lie to keep control
Ooh, my love was punished long ago
If you still care don?t ever let me know
If you still care don?t ever let me know

Strggling...

Writing keeps me occupied. I am so glad I bought a nintendo dsi last night. Now I can update anywhere with a wifi connection. That makes it so much easier to go onlineand seek support whenever I feel weak like I am going to give into temptation.

Tonight is especially rough because its my dancing night and I always break down and order food when I get there. Somehow I manage to convince myself that I ordering something low calorie when I know thats far from the truth.

If I can be strong today and resist food then I will be extremely successful considering my hour of power walking and all the calories I will burn while dancing.

Since I am updating from my dsi I don't have photos o upload. If you need inspiration, check out my youtube vids at youtube.com/user/findingperfect . At least I think thats the address. If not, just look up my user name findingperfect

song today: golden by fall out boy
How cruel is the golden rule?
When the lives we live
are only golden plated.
I knew that the lights of the city
were too heavy for me.
And i carry karats for everyone to see.
And i saw God cry in the reflections
of my enemies.
And all the lovers
with no time for me.
And all of the mothers
raise their babies
to stay away from me.
Tongues on the sockets of electric dreams.
Where the sewage of youth
drown the spark of my tears.
And i knew that the lights of the city
were too heavy for me.
And though i carry karats for everyone to see.
And i saw God cry in the reflections
of my enemies.
And all the lovers with no time fo me.
And all of the mothers
raise their babies
to stay away from me.
And pray they don't grow up to be...