Yeah, I know. Its been 10 days...

I've just been extremely busy with the Christmas season and all. And what can I say about that other than I feel so freaking disgusted with myself. I'm getting back on track now, but still. At least I didn't gain.

2010 will be a new beginning for a lot of things for me. Financially, Physically, Mentally.

I want to start it out right. I want to feel good about myself again.

Song right now: What A Shame by Shinedown
Two packs of cigarettes a day
The strongest whiskey
Kentucky can make
That's a recipe to put a vagabond
On his hands and knees
I watched it all up close,
I knew him more than most
I saw a side of him he never showed
Full of sympathy for a world that
Wouldn't let him be

That's the man he was,
Have you heard enough?

What a shame, what a shame,
To judge a life that you can't change
The choir sings, the church bells ring
So, won't you give this man his wings?
What a shame to have to beg you to
See we're not all the same
What a shame

There's a hard life for every silver spoon
There's a touch of grey for every shade
Of blue
That's the way that I see life
If there was nothing wrong,
Then there'd be nothing right
And for this working man they say could
Barely stand
There's gotta be a better place to land
Some kind of remedy for a world that
Wouldn't let him be

That's the man he was,
Have you heard enough?

What a shame, what a shame,
To judge a life that you can't change
The choir sings, the church bells ring
So, won't you give this man his wings?
What a shame to have to beg you to
See we're not all the same
What a shame

God forgive the hands that laid you down
They never knew how much a broken heart can break the sound and change the season
Now the leaves are falling faster,
Happily ever after
You gave me hope through your endeavors
And now you will live forever

What a shame, what a shame,
To judge a life that you can't change
The choir sings, the church bells ring
So, won't you give this man his wings?
What a shame to have to beg you to
See we're not all the same
What a shame, what a shame
'Cause we're not all the same
What a shame, what a shame
'Cause we're not all the same

21 lbs baby...

...and its so encouraging. My mom is noticing that I'm losing. She said my sweats were looking baggy on me...(they kinda were). I still have a ways to go obviously but I think I've found a way to maximize fat burning at the gym so we shall see how it goes. I ate a bit more than I wanted to tonight, but I've done well the last couple days. I'll make up for it when I leave for the gym in about a half hour.

Right now, I'm getting nervous about the prospect of...dare I say it...a boy. Even scarier is the fact that I haven't met this guy.

My cousin works with him at a bank. He's good looking, sweet, and a decent guy so I'm told. She has shown him pictures of me and he asked if I was single. (Gulp). He told her to tell me "what's up?" Such a guy greeting huh? Anyway, he's since then tried to convince her to bring me to a bar he was going to be hanging at. Now my cousin wants to set me up, and she's got my mother involved. Disaster could be looming any minute with this folks...(Only cause mom's nosy). My mom asked my aunt (who also works at this bank) about the guy...(now she's broadcasting this to my family that she's working with my cousin to set me up)...my aunt says he's a great cute guy. Apparently he's got the seal of approval now.....Let me remind again...I HAVEN'T MET HIM!

Crazy life I lead I tell you.

Today, my song of choice is something romantic (not because of the guy...just because I feel like it)...

Song: Then by Brad Paisley
I remember, trying not to stare the night that I first met you
You had me mezmorized
And three weeks later, in the front porch light
taking forty-five minutes to kiss goodnight
I hadn't told you yet
but I thought I loved you then

And now you're my whole life
now you're my whole world
I just can't believe the way I feel about you, girl
Like a river meets the sea,
stronger than it's ever been.
We've come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then

And i remember, taking you back to right where I first met you,
You were so surprised
There were people around, but I didn't care
Got down on one knee right there once again,
I thought I loved you then

And now you're my whole life
now you're my whole world
I just can't believe the way I feel about you, girl
Like a river meets the sea,
stronger than it's ever been.
We've come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then

I could just see you, with a baby on the way
And I could just see you, when your hair is turning gray
What I can't see is how I'm ever gonna love you more
But I've said that before

And now you're my whole life
now you're my whole world
I just can't believe the way I feel about you, girl
We'll look back someday, at this moment that we're in
And I'll look at you and say
And I thought I loved you then
And I thought I loved you then

I finally did it...

...I'm officially 20 lbs lighter! Of course, it's just a stepping stone. I have a ways to go. I need to lose four more lbs for my goal by Christmas. But that should be easy now that I've got a pattern down. In fact, I might move past what my goal is. If I do, I'm gonna have a great Christmas.

I might be stoked at the progress I'm finally making, but I'm far from happy. I still need to push. Still need to do a bit better each day than the day before. I'm not eating tonight. Not til after I work out tomorrow. Until I do, I'll drink my green tea and concentrate on other things than food. I don't need it. My stomach may rumble, but it's because I'm winning. And there is nothing that can stop me so long as I have the will. Control. It's all I want.

Song right now: Devour by Shinedown (I know, Shinedown kick lately)
Take it and take it and take it and take it and take it all
Take it and take it and take it until you take us all
Smash it and crash it and thrash it and trash it
You know they're only toys
Try it you'll like it don't hide it don't fight it, just let it out
Steal and shoot it and kill it or take another route
Take it and take it and take it
You know they're only toys

Devour Devour
Suffocate your own empire
Devour Devour
It's your final hour

Devour Devour
Stolen like a foreign soul
Devour Devour
What a way to go

You want it, you want it, you want it, you want it
Well here it is
Everything everything everything
Isn't so primitive

Take it and take it and take it and take it and take it all
Nobody nobody wants to feel like this
Nobody nobody wants to live like this
Nobody nobody wants a war like this

Devour Devour
Suffocate your own empire
Devour Devour
It's your final hour

Devour Devour
Stolen like a foreign soul
Devour Devour
What a way to go
What a way to go

Diving down
Round and round
diving down
round and round

Devour Devour
Suffocate your own empire
Devour Devour
It's your final hour

Devour Devour
Stolen like a foreign soul
Devour Devour
What a way to go

Devour Devour
Suffocate your own empire
Devour Devour
It's your final hour

Devour Devour
Stolen like a foreign soul
Devour Devour
What a way to go
What a way to go

So, I got conned into working tonight...

Well, not necessarily conned, but when my uncle begs me, it's hard to say no. He's family. So, I'll be working the night shift tonight. I'm kinda sad about it cause me working there at night, I'll be exposed to more snacks and such than I would if I were here at home in my bed. I'm not tempted going into the kitchen and waking up my parents in the middle of the night, but its fair game at work. *Sigh* Oh, how I need strength.

I finally dared myself to step on the scale tonight...the first time since before thanksgiving. and guess what? I'm down 5 more lbs since then! I mean, three weeks, that's not a lot, but my family has been around and it was kinda hard to avoid eating with them...but, I did remain stagnant and didn't gain! That is making me feel so over the moon right now!

Plus, today I went to the Peak for the first time. I swam for about an hour in the pool, on and off, different strokes and different exercises. Admittedly, I was in the water swimming my first real 200 since high school. My lungs felt like they were on fire and I was constantly taking more breaths than I should have. But as it went on I realized that I could do it. It all came back to me. Just like riding a bike. I breathed less and I took my strokes steady. My flipturns were like second nature. It felt so natural again. I was so thrilled. I just kept pushing on.

About forty minutes into my work out, I decided to try something different. I got to one end of the pool and looked down at the shallow end. I decided I would try a length of butterfly. Butterfly had been my ultimate stroke back in the day. A stroke requiring incredible endurance and power, I was a bit nervous to try it after so long. I mean, I would probably look like an idiot who didn't know what they were doing...at least to the lifeguard chick watchin over the pool. I bit my lip as I pulled my goggles back down. Diving down, I pushed off the wall into my dolphin kick. When I broke the surface, I kicked hard as I brought both arms up from the water. Then another stroke. Then another. It felt like I hadn't missed a day. My body felt so good, as if it missed this. I was so happy when I reached the other end. The smile stayed on my face.

I can't belive its taken me this long to return to something I love so much. It's still going to be hard work to build up that stamina and endurance that I once had, but I am not quitting....besides, it burns great calories! I came home, and had a fit and light yogurt (80 cals). I snuck a small sip of egg nog (big weakness) but all in all, probably a grand total of 120 calories consumed. Way more than that burned.

Like I said, the only thing I need to concentrate on is staying away from the food at work. I'll just have to keep as busy as possible. And the busier I am, the more cals I will burn!

Wish me luck.

Song right now: Call Me by Shinedown
Wrap me in a bolt of lightning
Send me on my way still smiling
Maybe that's the way I should go,
Straight into the mouth of the unknown
I left the spare key on the table
Never really thought I'd be able to say
I merely visit on the weekends
I lost my whole life and a dear friend

I've said it so many times
I would change my ways
No, nevermind
God knows I've tried

Call me a sinner, call me a saint
Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same
Call me your favorite, call me the worst
Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt
It's all that I can say. So, I'll be on my way

I finally put it all together,
But nothing really lasts forever
I had to make a choice that was not mine,
I had to say goodbye for the last time
I kept my whole life in suitcase,
Never really stayed in one place
Maybe that's the way it should be,
You know I live my life like a gypsy

I've said it so many times
I would change my ways
No, nevermind
God knows I've tried

Call me a sinner, call me a saint
Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same
Call me your favorite, call me the worst
Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt
It's all that I can say. So, I'll be on my way

I'll always keep you inside, you healed my
Heart and my life... And you know I try.

Call me a sinner, call me a saint
Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same
Call me your favorite, call me the worst
Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt
It's all that I can say. So, I'll be on my way
So, I'll be on my way
So, I'll be on my way

Hooray...I guess...

Today wasn't horrible. The last few days haven't been bad. I did slip up toward the end. It was my uncle's birthday at the bar we were at and someone brought cheesecake, and literally, i was forced to eat it. Don't people get that I'm huge enough without having to shove more calories down my throat? I wish that they could all understand my pain and know the fury I feel when I consume food.

On a note that does have me a bit happier. I dented my bank account today by purchasing a year gym membership. It is totally worth it. I tried to find one of those sit up bar things, but alas, none to be had. So, this was a new idea. I decided that me being thin was worth the price. I want to be perfect so bad. Swimming burns great calories, so I'm thrilled that the place I joined has a lap pool. I used to swim. I was getting good until my leg was screwed up in high school, causing me to not make the varsity team senior year. However, as the years have progressed, I've found the the more work I do, the less pain I feel in my ankle. Therefore, I've decided I'm ready to return to the sport I love...recreationally at first. They have a group at the club that likes to have more structured swim work outs, but baby steps...I'll do this alone to start with. Then, maybe, just maybe I could find myself comfortable in sharing a lane once again.

Wish me luck. I could use some!

Song right now: What A Shame by Shinedown
Two packs of cigarettes a day
The strongest whiskey
Kentucky can make
That's a recipe to put a vagabond
On his hands and knees
I watched it all up close,
I knew him more than most
I saw a side of him he never showed
Full of sympathy for a world that
Wouldn't let him be

That's the man he was,
Have you heard enough?

What a shame, what a shame,
To judge a life that you can't change
The choir sings, the church bells ring
So, won't you give this man his wings?
What a shame to have to beg you to
See we're not all the same
What a shame

There's a hard life for every silver spoon
There's a touch of grey for every shade
Of blue
That's the way that I see life
If there was nothing wrong,
Then there'd be nothing right
And for this working man they say could
Barely stand
There's gotta be a better place to land
Some kind of remedy for a world that
Wouldn't let him be

That's the man he was,
Have you heard enough?

What a shame, what a shame,
To judge a life that you can't change
The choir sings, the church bells ring
So, won't you give this man his wings?
What a shame to have to beg you to
See we're not all the same
What a shame

God forgive the hands that laid you down
They never knew how, but your broken
Heart can break the sound
And change the season
Now the leaves are falling faster,
Happily ever after
You gave me hope through your endeavors
And now you will live forever

What a shame, what a shame,
To judge a life that you can't change
The choir sings, the church bells ring
So, won't you give this man his wings?
What a shame to have to beg you to
See we're not all the same
What a shame, what a shame
'Cause we're not all the same
What a shame, what a shame
'Cause we're not all the same

Pretty decent day...until the end...

So, I managed to limit myself to a six inch sub from subway today. It was a grand total of maybe 350 calories. I drank green tea and water throughout the day. Then when I got home to watch a movie, I broke down and indulged in vanilla ice cream with andes mints on top. It was just a little mug full, but I feel like such a failure now.

Tomorrow, I'm on a mission to find one of those sit up bars that you can get to put under a door. I need to do some crunches. I like doing them, but I'm a little more stable when I use something sturdy. I don't do them well in the middle of the floor. I would go power walking again, but lately the mall has been so chaotic with Christmas shoppers. And while I like the challenge of walking through an obstacle course, its become too overwhelming that I get stopped so many times it's just not worth it. Ah well. Time to find a better calorie burning exercise. Maybe I'll head to Dick's tomorrow and see what I can find.

Song for today: Crash by Cavo
You're a beautiful wreck now you're out of control
Crossing the double lines
You're a perfect disaster road to catastrophe
You don't stop for the signs
Heartbreak waiting to happen
Headlights cut through the rain
Tears hit the windshield
And I can't look away

Every mile gets you further away from the past
Feels like you're shattered and covered in broken glass
And I'll be here at the end the next time you crash

Time turns to rust and it's hard for you to trust
Every turn every shoulder you feel
But I'm right here when it's just too much
You can let me take the wheel
Heartbreak waiting to happen

Every mile gets you further away from the past
Feels like you're shattered and covered in broken glass
And I'll be here at the end the next time you crash

Crash, I'm right here waiting for you
I'm right here in front of you
Just ask and I'll hold your breath in my hands and save you from when you crash

Every mile gets you further away from the past
Feels like you're shattered and covered in broken glass
And I'll be here at the end the next time you crash

Every mile gets you further away from the past
Feels like you're shattered and covered in broken glass
losing control, can't you see that you're running to fast
I'll be here the next time
And I'll pick you up the next time you CRASH

Been a while...

But I'm still here! I promise!

I've just been busy with work, plus Christmas is coming up. We got our first major snowfall a couple days ago and that gummed up the works in my household. I know that work wanted me to come in, but hey, I wasn't gonna drive in that shit.

Not doing as well as I had hoped in terms of jumping back on the wagon, but the hunger pains I am feeling right now are inspiring me. I feel euphoric with each wave.

In the process of discovering new music. A couple songs...Kings and Queens by 30 Seconds to Mars and Crash by Cavo...those will be my two new thinspo songs. I've collected enough new thinspo images for them so I can't wait to start. Expect at least one up in the next day or so.

Song of the day: Kings and Queens by 30 Seconds to Mars
Into the night
Desperate and broken
The sound of a fight
Father has spoken

We were the kings and queens of promise
We were the victims of ourselves
Maybe the children of a lesser God
Between Heaven and Hell
Heaven and Hell

Into your eyes
Hopeless and taken
We stole our new lives
Through blood and pain
In defense of our dreams
In defense of our dreams

We were the Kings and Queens of promise
We were the victims of ourselves
Maybe the Children of a lesser God
Between Heaven and Hell
Heaven and Hell

The age of man is over
A darkness comes and all
These lessons that we learned here
Have only just begun

We were the Kings and Queens of promise
We were the victims of ourselves
Maybe the Children of a Lesser God
Between Heaven and Hell

We are the Kings
We are the Queens
We are the Kings
We are the Queens


Thinspo for the day: