Success is returning...

I've finally broken the lowest I reached before Easter when I started to really screw myself over again. I'm quite happy that my clothes are looser but I am sad that my hideous face isn't getting any better. I am going to make a Drs appointment for next week and hopefully he can get me on something...anything to help me. Problem is that I'm scared it will be birth control which as you all know has an annoying tendency to cause some women to GAIN weight. So I will hammer. home my attention problems and cross my fingers for adderall. Perhaps that could counter the weight effects of birth control. We'll see.

Song right now: What I've Done by Linkin Park

In this farewell,
There's no blood, There's no alibi.
'Cause I've drawn regret,
From the truth, Of a thousand lies.

So let mercy come,
And wash away...

What I've done.
I'll face myself,
To cross out what I've become.
Erase myself,
And let go of what I've done.

Put to rest
What you thought of me.
While I clean the slate,
With the hands, Of uncertainty.

So let mercy come,
And wash away...

What I've done.
I'll face myself,
To cross out what I've become.
Erase myself,
And let go of what I've done.

Always the Bridesmaid, Never the Bride...

NO matter how hard I try to look for that one I want to spend the rest of my life with, I always come to the same conclusion. I am a fat, hideous woman who will never be happy, and no man could ever want.

End of story.

This one`s for the mothers who have lost a child
This one`s for the gypsies who left their heart behind
This one`s for the strangers sleeping in my heart
They take what they want and leave while it`s still dark

No one is glamorously lonely
All by themselves

This is a song for the unloved
This is the music for one last cry
This is a prayer that tomorrow will
Help me leave the past behind
It`s a song for the unloved

This one`s for the bridesmaid, never the bride
This one`s for the dreamer who locked his faith inside
This is for the widows who think there`s only one
For the dying fathers who never told their sons

No one is glamorously lonely
Follow your heart

This is a song for the unloved
This is the music for one last cry
This is a prayer that tomorrow will
Help me leave the past behind
It`s a song for the unloved

Ohhh
Tomorrow the sun will shine
And dry the tears in your eyes
Suddenly love comes alive

This is a song for the unloved
This is the music for one last cry
This is a prayer that tomorrow will
Help me leave the past behind
It`s a song for the unloved

Fuck it. Why the hell do I feel so insignificant? I look at the dance floor and see girls so much bigger than me dancing with a man they love. Yet I'm alone. Am I that ugly? Or is it that my weight has concealed the beauty that I keep hoping to find? I'm sick and tired of living like this. I want to love. I want to be a Mrs. I want to be a mother. Bit I feel like nothing like that can happen so long as I'm living inside this sickening fat suit. Can't anyone save me? Can't anyone feel my pain? I don't want Fucking pity. O just want to know...WHY?!