Yeah, I know. Its been 10 days...

I've just been extremely busy with the Christmas season and all. And what can I say about that other than I feel so freaking disgusted with myself. I'm getting back on track now, but still. At least I didn't gain.

2010 will be a new beginning for a lot of things for me. Financially, Physically, Mentally.

I want to start it out right. I want to feel good about myself again.

Song right now: What A Shame by Shinedown
Two packs of cigarettes a day
The strongest whiskey
Kentucky can make
That's a recipe to put a vagabond
On his hands and knees
I watched it all up close,
I knew him more than most
I saw a side of him he never showed
Full of sympathy for a world that
Wouldn't let him be

That's the man he was,
Have you heard enough?

What a shame, what a shame,
To judge a life that you can't change
The choir sings, the church bells ring
So, won't you give this man his wings?
What a shame to have to beg you to
See we're not all the same
What a shame

There's a hard life for every silver spoon
There's a touch of grey for every shade
Of blue
That's the way that I see life
If there was nothing wrong,
Then there'd be nothing right
And for this working man they say could
Barely stand
There's gotta be a better place to land
Some kind of remedy for a world that
Wouldn't let him be

That's the man he was,
Have you heard enough?

What a shame, what a shame,
To judge a life that you can't change
The choir sings, the church bells ring
So, won't you give this man his wings?
What a shame to have to beg you to
See we're not all the same
What a shame

God forgive the hands that laid you down
They never knew how much a broken heart can break the sound and change the season
Now the leaves are falling faster,
Happily ever after
You gave me hope through your endeavors
And now you will live forever

What a shame, what a shame,
To judge a life that you can't change
The choir sings, the church bells ring
So, won't you give this man his wings?
What a shame to have to beg you to
See we're not all the same
What a shame, what a shame
'Cause we're not all the same
What a shame, what a shame
'Cause we're not all the same

21 lbs baby...

...and its so encouraging. My mom is noticing that I'm losing. She said my sweats were looking baggy on me...(they kinda were). I still have a ways to go obviously but I think I've found a way to maximize fat burning at the gym so we shall see how it goes. I ate a bit more than I wanted to tonight, but I've done well the last couple days. I'll make up for it when I leave for the gym in about a half hour.

Right now, I'm getting nervous about the prospect of...dare I say it...a boy. Even scarier is the fact that I haven't met this guy.

My cousin works with him at a bank. He's good looking, sweet, and a decent guy so I'm told. She has shown him pictures of me and he asked if I was single. (Gulp). He told her to tell me "what's up?" Such a guy greeting huh? Anyway, he's since then tried to convince her to bring me to a bar he was going to be hanging at. Now my cousin wants to set me up, and she's got my mother involved. Disaster could be looming any minute with this folks...(Only cause mom's nosy). My mom asked my aunt (who also works at this bank) about the guy...(now she's broadcasting this to my family that she's working with my cousin to set me up)...my aunt says he's a great cute guy. Apparently he's got the seal of approval now.....Let me remind again...I HAVEN'T MET HIM!

Crazy life I lead I tell you.

Today, my song of choice is something romantic (not because of the guy...just because I feel like it)...

Song: Then by Brad Paisley
I remember, trying not to stare the night that I first met you
You had me mezmorized
And three weeks later, in the front porch light
taking forty-five minutes to kiss goodnight
I hadn't told you yet
but I thought I loved you then

And now you're my whole life
now you're my whole world
I just can't believe the way I feel about you, girl
Like a river meets the sea,
stronger than it's ever been.
We've come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then

And i remember, taking you back to right where I first met you,
You were so surprised
There were people around, but I didn't care
Got down on one knee right there once again,
I thought I loved you then

And now you're my whole life
now you're my whole world
I just can't believe the way I feel about you, girl
Like a river meets the sea,
stronger than it's ever been.
We've come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then

I could just see you, with a baby on the way
And I could just see you, when your hair is turning gray
What I can't see is how I'm ever gonna love you more
But I've said that before

And now you're my whole life
now you're my whole world
I just can't believe the way I feel about you, girl
We'll look back someday, at this moment that we're in
And I'll look at you and say
And I thought I loved you then
And I thought I loved you then

I finally did it...

...I'm officially 20 lbs lighter! Of course, it's just a stepping stone. I have a ways to go. I need to lose four more lbs for my goal by Christmas. But that should be easy now that I've got a pattern down. In fact, I might move past what my goal is. If I do, I'm gonna have a great Christmas.

I might be stoked at the progress I'm finally making, but I'm far from happy. I still need to push. Still need to do a bit better each day than the day before. I'm not eating tonight. Not til after I work out tomorrow. Until I do, I'll drink my green tea and concentrate on other things than food. I don't need it. My stomach may rumble, but it's because I'm winning. And there is nothing that can stop me so long as I have the will. Control. It's all I want.

Song right now: Devour by Shinedown (I know, Shinedown kick lately)
Take it and take it and take it and take it and take it all
Take it and take it and take it until you take us all
Smash it and crash it and thrash it and trash it
You know they're only toys
Try it you'll like it don't hide it don't fight it, just let it out
Steal and shoot it and kill it or take another route
Take it and take it and take it
You know they're only toys

Devour Devour
Suffocate your own empire
Devour Devour
It's your final hour

Devour Devour
Stolen like a foreign soul
Devour Devour
What a way to go

You want it, you want it, you want it, you want it
Well here it is
Everything everything everything
Isn't so primitive

Take it and take it and take it and take it and take it all
Nobody nobody wants to feel like this
Nobody nobody wants to live like this
Nobody nobody wants a war like this

Devour Devour
Suffocate your own empire
Devour Devour
It's your final hour

Devour Devour
Stolen like a foreign soul
Devour Devour
What a way to go
What a way to go

Diving down
Round and round
diving down
round and round

Devour Devour
Suffocate your own empire
Devour Devour
It's your final hour

Devour Devour
Stolen like a foreign soul
Devour Devour
What a way to go

Devour Devour
Suffocate your own empire
Devour Devour
It's your final hour

Devour Devour
Stolen like a foreign soul
Devour Devour
What a way to go
What a way to go

So, I got conned into working tonight...

Well, not necessarily conned, but when my uncle begs me, it's hard to say no. He's family. So, I'll be working the night shift tonight. I'm kinda sad about it cause me working there at night, I'll be exposed to more snacks and such than I would if I were here at home in my bed. I'm not tempted going into the kitchen and waking up my parents in the middle of the night, but its fair game at work. *Sigh* Oh, how I need strength.

I finally dared myself to step on the scale tonight...the first time since before thanksgiving. and guess what? I'm down 5 more lbs since then! I mean, three weeks, that's not a lot, but my family has been around and it was kinda hard to avoid eating with them...but, I did remain stagnant and didn't gain! That is making me feel so over the moon right now!

Plus, today I went to the Peak for the first time. I swam for about an hour in the pool, on and off, different strokes and different exercises. Admittedly, I was in the water swimming my first real 200 since high school. My lungs felt like they were on fire and I was constantly taking more breaths than I should have. But as it went on I realized that I could do it. It all came back to me. Just like riding a bike. I breathed less and I took my strokes steady. My flipturns were like second nature. It felt so natural again. I was so thrilled. I just kept pushing on.

About forty minutes into my work out, I decided to try something different. I got to one end of the pool and looked down at the shallow end. I decided I would try a length of butterfly. Butterfly had been my ultimate stroke back in the day. A stroke requiring incredible endurance and power, I was a bit nervous to try it after so long. I mean, I would probably look like an idiot who didn't know what they were doing...at least to the lifeguard chick watchin over the pool. I bit my lip as I pulled my goggles back down. Diving down, I pushed off the wall into my dolphin kick. When I broke the surface, I kicked hard as I brought both arms up from the water. Then another stroke. Then another. It felt like I hadn't missed a day. My body felt so good, as if it missed this. I was so happy when I reached the other end. The smile stayed on my face.

I can't belive its taken me this long to return to something I love so much. It's still going to be hard work to build up that stamina and endurance that I once had, but I am not quitting....besides, it burns great calories! I came home, and had a fit and light yogurt (80 cals). I snuck a small sip of egg nog (big weakness) but all in all, probably a grand total of 120 calories consumed. Way more than that burned.

Like I said, the only thing I need to concentrate on is staying away from the food at work. I'll just have to keep as busy as possible. And the busier I am, the more cals I will burn!

Wish me luck.

Song right now: Call Me by Shinedown
Wrap me in a bolt of lightning
Send me on my way still smiling
Maybe that's the way I should go,
Straight into the mouth of the unknown
I left the spare key on the table
Never really thought I'd be able to say
I merely visit on the weekends
I lost my whole life and a dear friend

I've said it so many times
I would change my ways
No, nevermind
God knows I've tried

Call me a sinner, call me a saint
Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same
Call me your favorite, call me the worst
Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt
It's all that I can say. So, I'll be on my way

I finally put it all together,
But nothing really lasts forever
I had to make a choice that was not mine,
I had to say goodbye for the last time
I kept my whole life in suitcase,
Never really stayed in one place
Maybe that's the way it should be,
You know I live my life like a gypsy

I've said it so many times
I would change my ways
No, nevermind
God knows I've tried

Call me a sinner, call me a saint
Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same
Call me your favorite, call me the worst
Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt
It's all that I can say. So, I'll be on my way

I'll always keep you inside, you healed my
Heart and my life... And you know I try.

Call me a sinner, call me a saint
Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same
Call me your favorite, call me the worst
Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt
It's all that I can say. So, I'll be on my way
So, I'll be on my way
So, I'll be on my way

Hooray...I guess...

Today wasn't horrible. The last few days haven't been bad. I did slip up toward the end. It was my uncle's birthday at the bar we were at and someone brought cheesecake, and literally, i was forced to eat it. Don't people get that I'm huge enough without having to shove more calories down my throat? I wish that they could all understand my pain and know the fury I feel when I consume food.

On a note that does have me a bit happier. I dented my bank account today by purchasing a year gym membership. It is totally worth it. I tried to find one of those sit up bar things, but alas, none to be had. So, this was a new idea. I decided that me being thin was worth the price. I want to be perfect so bad. Swimming burns great calories, so I'm thrilled that the place I joined has a lap pool. I used to swim. I was getting good until my leg was screwed up in high school, causing me to not make the varsity team senior year. However, as the years have progressed, I've found the the more work I do, the less pain I feel in my ankle. Therefore, I've decided I'm ready to return to the sport I love...recreationally at first. They have a group at the club that likes to have more structured swim work outs, but baby steps...I'll do this alone to start with. Then, maybe, just maybe I could find myself comfortable in sharing a lane once again.

Wish me luck. I could use some!

Song right now: What A Shame by Shinedown
Two packs of cigarettes a day
The strongest whiskey
Kentucky can make
That's a recipe to put a vagabond
On his hands and knees
I watched it all up close,
I knew him more than most
I saw a side of him he never showed
Full of sympathy for a world that
Wouldn't let him be

That's the man he was,
Have you heard enough?

What a shame, what a shame,
To judge a life that you can't change
The choir sings, the church bells ring
So, won't you give this man his wings?
What a shame to have to beg you to
See we're not all the same
What a shame

There's a hard life for every silver spoon
There's a touch of grey for every shade
Of blue
That's the way that I see life
If there was nothing wrong,
Then there'd be nothing right
And for this working man they say could
Barely stand
There's gotta be a better place to land
Some kind of remedy for a world that
Wouldn't let him be

That's the man he was,
Have you heard enough?

What a shame, what a shame,
To judge a life that you can't change
The choir sings, the church bells ring
So, won't you give this man his wings?
What a shame to have to beg you to
See we're not all the same
What a shame

God forgive the hands that laid you down
They never knew how, but your broken
Heart can break the sound
And change the season
Now the leaves are falling faster,
Happily ever after
You gave me hope through your endeavors
And now you will live forever

What a shame, what a shame,
To judge a life that you can't change
The choir sings, the church bells ring
So, won't you give this man his wings?
What a shame to have to beg you to
See we're not all the same
What a shame, what a shame
'Cause we're not all the same
What a shame, what a shame
'Cause we're not all the same

Pretty decent day...until the end...

So, I managed to limit myself to a six inch sub from subway today. It was a grand total of maybe 350 calories. I drank green tea and water throughout the day. Then when I got home to watch a movie, I broke down and indulged in vanilla ice cream with andes mints on top. It was just a little mug full, but I feel like such a failure now.

Tomorrow, I'm on a mission to find one of those sit up bars that you can get to put under a door. I need to do some crunches. I like doing them, but I'm a little more stable when I use something sturdy. I don't do them well in the middle of the floor. I would go power walking again, but lately the mall has been so chaotic with Christmas shoppers. And while I like the challenge of walking through an obstacle course, its become too overwhelming that I get stopped so many times it's just not worth it. Ah well. Time to find a better calorie burning exercise. Maybe I'll head to Dick's tomorrow and see what I can find.

Song for today: Crash by Cavo
You're a beautiful wreck now you're out of control
Crossing the double lines
You're a perfect disaster road to catastrophe
You don't stop for the signs
Heartbreak waiting to happen
Headlights cut through the rain
Tears hit the windshield
And I can't look away

Every mile gets you further away from the past
Feels like you're shattered and covered in broken glass
And I'll be here at the end the next time you crash

Time turns to rust and it's hard for you to trust
Every turn every shoulder you feel
But I'm right here when it's just too much
You can let me take the wheel
Heartbreak waiting to happen

Every mile gets you further away from the past
Feels like you're shattered and covered in broken glass
And I'll be here at the end the next time you crash

Crash, I'm right here waiting for you
I'm right here in front of you
Just ask and I'll hold your breath in my hands and save you from when you crash

Every mile gets you further away from the past
Feels like you're shattered and covered in broken glass
And I'll be here at the end the next time you crash

Every mile gets you further away from the past
Feels like you're shattered and covered in broken glass
losing control, can't you see that you're running to fast
I'll be here the next time
And I'll pick you up the next time you CRASH

Been a while...

But I'm still here! I promise!

I've just been busy with work, plus Christmas is coming up. We got our first major snowfall a couple days ago and that gummed up the works in my household. I know that work wanted me to come in, but hey, I wasn't gonna drive in that shit.

Not doing as well as I had hoped in terms of jumping back on the wagon, but the hunger pains I am feeling right now are inspiring me. I feel euphoric with each wave.

In the process of discovering new music. A couple songs...Kings and Queens by 30 Seconds to Mars and Crash by Cavo...those will be my two new thinspo songs. I've collected enough new thinspo images for them so I can't wait to start. Expect at least one up in the next day or so.

Song of the day: Kings and Queens by 30 Seconds to Mars
Into the night
Desperate and broken
The sound of a fight
Father has spoken

We were the kings and queens of promise
We were the victims of ourselves
Maybe the children of a lesser God
Between Heaven and Hell
Heaven and Hell

Into your eyes
Hopeless and taken
We stole our new lives
Through blood and pain
In defense of our dreams
In defense of our dreams

We were the Kings and Queens of promise
We were the victims of ourselves
Maybe the Children of a lesser God
Between Heaven and Hell
Heaven and Hell

The age of man is over
A darkness comes and all
These lessons that we learned here
Have only just begun

We were the Kings and Queens of promise
We were the victims of ourselves
Maybe the Children of a Lesser God
Between Heaven and Hell

We are the Kings
We are the Queens
We are the Kings
We are the Queens


Thinspo for the day:

Now that Thanksgiving is over...

Time to get back on the horse. I definately gained weight over the week, but I'm going to start fresh now. I can't walk at the mall like I had been. It's too busy with Christmas shoppers.

This is the final straw.






Song right now: I Feel Perfect by Porcelain and the Tramps
The other day I had to stop and think
And boy I love the way you get to me
So I took a hit and poured another drink
Your porcel frame is where I sucked it clean
(Oh yeah!)

I can never stop myself from falling over
You can never stop yourself from coming over
I can feel you coming closer and closer
Baby don't stop now, baby don't stop now!

I can never stop myself from falling over
You can never stop yourself from coming over
I can feel you coming closer and closer
Baby don't stop now, baby don't stop now!

I love the ways that you crawl in me
And the way it feels when you peel my clothes off me
The palm of my hand's where I hold the key
I feel like a glove, it's not the extacy
(Oh yeah!)

I can never stop myself from falling over
You can never stop yourself from coming over
I can feel you coming closer and closer
Baby don't stop now, baby don't stop now!

I can never stop myself from falling over
You can never stop yourself from coming over
I can feel you coming closer and closer
Baby don't stop now, baby don't stop now!

Don't stop
Til you please me
Don't stop
Til you please me
Don't, don't stop
Don't stop, don't stop
Don't stop, oh
Why don't you come over
And slip into something a little more comfortable
Slip into me
How does that feel baby
Oh wait don't tell me
I already know
I feel perfect!
I feel deep in you...

I can never stop myself from falling over
You can never stop yourself from coming over
I can feel you coming closer and closer
Baby don't stop now, baby don't stop now!

I can never stop myself from falling over
You can never stop yourself from coming over
I can feel you coming closer and closer
Baby don't stop now, baby don't stop now!

Don't stop
Til you please me
Don't stop
Til you please me
Don't, don't stop
Til you please me
Don't stop
Til you please me

I can never stop myself from falling over
You can never stop yourself from coming over
I can feel you coming closer and closer
Baby don't stop now, baby don't stop now!

I can never stop myself from falling over
You can never stop yourself from coming over
I can feel you coming closer and closer
Baby don't stop now, baby don't stop now!

sigh, another screw up...

It seems my family has it out for me. Actually, no, not their fault. I went to the girls night out with my cousin. I indulged in mini tacos and booze. I suck. However, I got a pretty rad industrial piercing in my right ear that made me feel a bit better. I was expecting it to hurt more than it did, but it was just uncomfortable more than anything.

I'm starting back up again. 273 calories burned out walking. I might go again tonight before I go home to watch House.

Song of today: Should've Known Better by Sick Puppies
You take me for a ride and I don't even know the setup
Get into a fight just to make the sex better
You got a hold of me but there ain't nothing here that's holding you down
I believed in this except it wasn't getting better
You got me in the middle but I never found the center
Even when you know what I know it's not stopping you now

I can't always see what's in front of me
No I can hardly breathe suffocating me bleeding it out
All over the ground

Tell me when it's over
Wake me when I'm sober
The scars too hard to hide
I should've known better
If only I could be strong enough to see that it's over
I wish I'd never met you
'Cause you were supposed to be coming back to me
Where are you now?
I should've known better

I got a new plan but it ain't nothing but a mirror
Of everything we had just before you became a winner
The love the lie is nothing but a memory now

I can't always see what's in front of me
No I can hardly breathe suffocating me bleeding it out
All over the ground

Tell me when it's over
Wake me when I'm sober
The scars too hard to hide
I should've known better
If only I could be strong enough to see that it's over
I wish I'd never met you
'Cause you were supposed to be coming back to me
Where are you now?
I should've known better

You take me for a ride and I don't even know the setup
Get into a fight just to make the sex better
You got a hold of me but there ain't nothing here that's holding you down
I believed in this except it wasn't getting better
You got me in the middle but I never found the center
Even when you know what I know it's not stopping you now

I can't always see what's in front of me
No I can hardly breathe suffocating me bleeding it out
All over the ground

Tell me when it's over
Wake me when I'm sober
The scars too hard to hide
I should've known better
If only I could be strong enough to see that it's over
I wish I'd never met you
'Cause you were supposed to be coming back to me
Where are you now?

Tell me when it's over
Wake me when I'm sober
The scars too hard to hide
I should've known better
If only I could be strong enough to see that it's over
I wish I'd never met you
'Cause you were supposed to be coming back to me
Where are you now?
I should've known better

So wake me when I'm sober
The scars too hard to hide
I should've known better
If only I could be strong enough to see that it's over
I wish I'd never loved you
'Cause you were supposed to be coming back to me
Where are you now?

I screwed up...

I suck. Plain and simple.

I'm down 15 lbs, but I lost only one pound in 3 days. I'm at a plateau. Yes, I indulged because I made my family dinner and I wanted to see if it was any good. But I couldn't resist the brownies I made either. I feel like I'm a failure.

I walked an hour today. I walk really fast. According to the calorie burning calculator I burned 397 calories. Then again, I can't be sure if I walk 4 or 5 mph. Seriously, I have no idea how fast I walk and I have no idea how far I walk when I'm at the mall. If its 5 mph, then its like, over 600 calories I burned. I do know that I burned a lot because I feel like it was a good workout. Power walking has become my new drug. I can't go a day without it. I did the day I went into Iowa with mom, and that drove me crazy.

I keep dreaming of the day that I slip on those size 2 jeans, but as they say in Cinderella, "dreamers never make the dream come true." I totally believe that. That's why I'm not dreaming anymore. I'm doing.

Song today: One More by Superchick
It feels like I have lost this fight
They think that I am staying down
But I'm not giving up tonight
Tonight the wall is coming down
I am stronger than my fears
This is the mountain that I climb
Got 100 steps to go
Tonight I'll make it 99

One more
Go one more
Yeah, yeah
Don't stop now
Go one more
Yeah, yeah
One more

Go one more
Go one more
Yeah, yeah

I have everything to lose
By not getting up to fight
I might get used to giving up
So I am showing up tonight
I am my own enemy
The battle fought within my mind
If I can overcome step one
I can face the 99

Happy Birthday to me...

kinda sad when the only two people who acknowledge your birthday are the woman cashing your check at walmart and your absentminded grandfather....

Surprisingly enough, hunger doesn’t hurt anymore. The simplest things I am finding satisfying. I might’ve binged slightly last night on the food my mother made, but I more than made up for it by burning all those calories at the mall today. I come out ahead either way. Today all I had was my salad and a bag of those 100 calorie shortbread cookies. Seriously, I think those are my weakness….those and Junior Mints.

I’m bound and determined to lose at least ten more pounds by thanksgiving. Tomorrow morning I am going to weigh myself and see where I am at. Hopefully, I’ll be nearing my goal for the month. The only one who has made a comment so far on my weight loss is my aunt when I went to visit her last week. I was only down nine then. Plus, I hadn’t seen her in months, so when I start getting positive feedback from those who see me the most, then I will start celebrating. But I won’t celebrate too much as I have a long way to go. I want to be happy when I look at myself in the mirror. All I see now, is a bit of progress. I’ll take some photos tomorrow to document my ten day difference. I am hoping that I’ll eventually have such dramatic results one day, possibly by the end of the year that I’ll be able to put up the pictures to show my transition.

Today I walked over nine laps at the mall in an hour. While my muscles ached a bit afterward, the speed and length of the walk felt so good. I felt like I could go another few laps. Listening to great music helps too. I also find that I window shop a lot and mentally picture myself in the beautiful clothing in the displays as I walk by. That is my thinspiration during my walks. I tell myself that I will look good in those clothes one day. Being thin is all that matters now.
Currently, my goal is the skinny jeans I just bought that are a size too small. Yes, I did that on purpose. I want cute knee high boots to go with them. I am hoping to wear them for Thanksgiving. Wish me luck. If I keep on with my current progress, I think I’ll make it.

Song right now: Careless Whisper, cover by Seether
I feel so unsure
As I take your hand and lead you to the dance floor
as the music dies
something in your eyes
calls to mind a silver screen
and all its sad goodbyes

I’m never gonna dance again
These guilty feet have got no rhythm
though it’s easy to pretend
I know you’re not a fool
I should’ve known better than to cheat a friend
and waste the chance that I’ve been given
So I’m never gonna dance again
the way I danced with you.

Time can never mend
The careless whispers of a good friend
To the heart and mind
ignorance is kind
And there’s no comfort in the truth
pain is all you’ll find.
I’m never gonna dance again
These guilty feet have got no rhythm
though it’s easy to pretend
I know you’re not a fool
I should’ve known better than to cheat a friend
and waste the chance that I’ve been given
So I’m never gonna dance again
the way I danced with you.

Tonight the music seems so loud
I wish that we could lose this crowd
Maybe it’s better this way
We’d hurt each other with the things we wanna say
We could’ve been so good together
We could’ve lived this dance forever
Now whose gonna dance with me?
Please stay.

I’m never gonna dance again
These guilty feet have got no rhythm
though it’s easy to pretend
I know you’re not a fool
I should’ve known better than to cheat a friend
and waste the chance that I’ve been given
So I’m never gonna dance again
the way I danced with you.

todays inspiration:

Gotten used to this whole life...

Apparently, my bro was wrong about New Moon being this week. It's next week. Bummer. Ah well. I'll probably be going anyway.

I am really working hard to try and resist temptations yet again. I feel like I keep setting myself up for failure. However, I keep pushing on, and I'm finally starting to see results, though, they aren't as dramatic as I wish they'd be.

My stomach is making noises, but I kinda like the feeling. It means I'm winning.

Song right now: The Phrase That Pays, by the Academy Is...
My eyes can't believe what they have seen.
In the corner of your room you've stockpiled millions of my memories.
Oh Doctor, Doctor, I must have gotten this sick somehow.
I'm going to ask you a series of questions,
And I want them answered on the spot, right now.
Is it serious?
I'm afraid it is.
Am I gonna die?
Well son, death is gonna catch up to all one day,
But yours is coming quicker than ours, than ours.

Some things I may have taken for granted again and again,
well here's what was said then

Hold your head high heavy heart.
So take a chance and make it big,
Cause it’s the last you’ll ever get.
If we don’t take it, when will we make it?
I make plans to break plans,
And I’ve been planning something big, planning something big, planning.

I’ve never tried to make the best of my time,
When I thought that I had plenty of it.
Is this serious?
I don’t know what to think.
Is it all a lie?
Well one thing is for sure
I'm taken back to the glory days
When we were kids without a brash or bitter thing to say.

Now my life is one big make it, or break it.

Hold your head high heavy heart
Save your strength for the morning after.
So take a chance and make it big,
Cause it’s the last you’ll ever get.
If we don’t take it, when will we make it?
I make plans to break plans,
And I’ve been planning something big, planning something big
So take a chance and make it big,
Cause it’s the last you’ll ever get.
If we don’t take it, when will we make it?
I make plans to break plans,
And I’ve been planning something big, planning something big, planning.

Ten down, a lot to go...

I'm feeling really good about myself. It's amazing how fast weight can drop when you find the will power. Even after my unfortunate day Monday where I had to eat so much with my Aunt and Mom, I didn't gain. I'm down ten lbs in nine days. But it's not good enough. I need to push myself.

Tonight, we are going out to the midnight showing of New Moon. Of course there will be the temptation of candy and things, but I'm a step ahead of temptation. I brought a 100 calorie package of shortbread cookies. My only indulgence for a while. I had strawberries and whipped cream before leaving. I'm at about 120 calories, plus the 100 cals for the cookies, and my intake will be 220ish for today. But I also did my walking. So, that makes up for everything in the end. I'm pretty happy.

Song today: 45 by Shinedown
Send away for a priceless gift
One not subtle, one not on the list
Send away for a perfect world
One not simply, so absurd
In these times of doing what you're told
Keep these feelings, no one knows
What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,(45)
I'm swimming through the ashes of another life(nother life)
There's no real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45

Send a message to the unborn child
Keep your eyes open for a while
In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else
There's a piece of a puzzle known as life
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight

What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,(45)
I'm swimming through the ashes of another life(nother life)
There's no real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45

Everyone's pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
And nobody knows what I believe
I believe

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,(45)
I'm swimming through the ashes of another life(nother life)
There's no real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45

Today was a step back...

in iowa visiting my aunt and uncle for the day. unfortunatelythis means i've been forced to eat considering i can't afford suspicions right now. i must've had 2000 plus calories today. it pained me to do so and i couldn't even purge cause i was around people all day. how could my family do this to me?!

im sick of living in this prison of thick flesh. what is wrong with me?

tomorrow i am going to work twice as hard while working.

Success. Slowly but surely, I will get there...

I get on the scale today. I'm down four pounds in the last three days. Three days I've managed to empower myself and stay strong keeping my calorie count under 200, not including everything I've burned with walking, working, and dancing. Today, I'm working on day four. Dancing again tonight. Don't know how much I'm going to do considering I'm going to a place an hour away and I might not know that many dances. We shall see.

I'm worried that Mom is suspecting I'm not eating enough. This morning, she made both of us a smoothie in the morning, complete with protein powder in it. I had to appease her and take a drink. I left the drink in my room and went to take a shower. When I came back, I dumped it in my bathroom sink. I then told her that "ew, you are right. I shouldn't have let it sit. oh and pineapple doesn't taste good with the protein powder." She commented how the frozen pineapple was the only frozen fruit in the freezer. But I left her under the impression that I drank it down. One sip though, shouldn't be my undoing. I'll eat a local spinach leaf salad before leaving to dance.

Here is motivation:







Song right now: Never Good Enough, by Rachel Ferguson
Everybody said
She was a winner
No one knew
The secret kept
Within her
Starving for perfection
Hating her reflection

She tries harder
Then the average teen
An overachiver
With low self-esteem
Wants to walk like a star
But she takes it too far
She's never good enough
Wants to be Mary-Kate
Perfect weight, 88
She's never good enough

Now her friends all know
About her problem
They all try their best
To try to solve them
She feels
Like she's on trial
But she's still
In denial

She tries harder
Then the average teen
An overachiver
With low self-esteem
Wants to walk like a star
But she takes it too far
She's never good enough
Wants to be Mary-Kate
Perfect weight, 88
She's never good enough

Who's in control now?
Who's in control now?

Everybody said
She was a winner
Noone knew the secret
Kept within her

She tries harder
Then the average teen
An overachiver
With low self-esteem
Wants to walk like a star
But she takes it too far
She's never good enough
Wants to be Mary-Kate
Perfect weight, 88
She's never good enough

She tries harder
Then the average teen
An overachiver
With low self-esteem

The last two days have made me feel good...

I've been happy with my restraint for the last two days. Yesterday ended the way I hoped it would. I'm now concentrating on ending my ending day on the same positive note I have the last two days.

I am crossing my fingers and praying that all goes well before I head off to work. Here is some thinspo for motivation.








Song today: Monster by Skillet
The secret side of me, I never let you see
I keep it caged but I can't control it
So stay away from me, the beast is ugly
I feel the rage and I just can't hold it

It's scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls
It comes awake and I can't control it
Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

My secret side I keep hid under lock and key
I keep it caged but I can't control it
'Cause if I let him out he'll tear me up, break me down
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

It's hiding in the dark, it's teeth are razor sharp
There's no escape for me, it wants my soul, it wants my heart
No one can hear me scream, maybe it's just a dream
Maybe it's inside of me, stop this monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I've gotta lose control, he something radical
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster