Success is returning...

I've finally broken the lowest I reached before Easter when I started to really screw myself over again. I'm quite happy that my clothes are looser but I am sad that my hideous face isn't getting any better. I am going to make a Drs appointment for next week and hopefully he can get me on something...anything to help me. Problem is that I'm scared it will be birth control which as you all know has an annoying tendency to cause some women to GAIN weight. So I will hammer. home my attention problems and cross my fingers for adderall. Perhaps that could counter the weight effects of birth control. We'll see.

Song right now: What I've Done by Linkin Park

In this farewell,
There's no blood, There's no alibi.
'Cause I've drawn regret,
From the truth, Of a thousand lies.

So let mercy come,
And wash away...

What I've done.
I'll face myself,
To cross out what I've become.
Erase myself,
And let go of what I've done.

Put to rest
What you thought of me.
While I clean the slate,
With the hands, Of uncertainty.

So let mercy come,
And wash away...

What I've done.
I'll face myself,
To cross out what I've become.
Erase myself,
And let go of what I've done.

Always the Bridesmaid, Never the Bride...

NO matter how hard I try to look for that one I want to spend the rest of my life with, I always come to the same conclusion. I am a fat, hideous woman who will never be happy, and no man could ever want.

End of story.

This one`s for the mothers who have lost a child
This one`s for the gypsies who left their heart behind
This one`s for the strangers sleeping in my heart
They take what they want and leave while it`s still dark

No one is glamorously lonely
All by themselves

This is a song for the unloved
This is the music for one last cry
This is a prayer that tomorrow will
Help me leave the past behind
It`s a song for the unloved

This one`s for the bridesmaid, never the bride
This one`s for the dreamer who locked his faith inside
This is for the widows who think there`s only one
For the dying fathers who never told their sons

No one is glamorously lonely
Follow your heart

This is a song for the unloved
This is the music for one last cry
This is a prayer that tomorrow will
Help me leave the past behind
It`s a song for the unloved

Ohhh
Tomorrow the sun will shine
And dry the tears in your eyes
Suddenly love comes alive

This is a song for the unloved
This is the music for one last cry
This is a prayer that tomorrow will
Help me leave the past behind
It`s a song for the unloved

Fuck it. Why the hell do I feel so insignificant? I look at the dance floor and see girls so much bigger than me dancing with a man they love. Yet I'm alone. Am I that ugly? Or is it that my weight has concealed the beauty that I keep hoping to find? I'm sick and tired of living like this. I want to love. I want to be a Mrs. I want to be a mother. Bit I feel like nothing like that can happen so long as I'm living inside this sickening fat suit. Can't anyone save me? Can't anyone feel my pain? I don't want Fucking pity. O just want to know...WHY?!

So I've been managing to chip away at the scale the past month since I last wrote. I've been. Quite happy about it all. Problem to was that it was Easter. Of course with all the food around I caved. It's not easy to say "Im not hungry" when you've got that much family around you.

I'm gonna hate to see the scale. I think I'll give it a week before stepping back on it again. Let's see if I can undo some of the damage from today. I'm going to restrict like none other. Mon and Tues are fasts burn at least 200 at the gym. Wed no more than 500 and burn 300. Thurs I'll fast, burn 150 min. Friday I'll shock the metabolism and take in 700 but swim for an hour burning 500 to 600. Sat intake of 400 and burn 150. Sunday I'll fast then burn 200.

Updating via Android so sorry no thinspo today. Song choice: Anthem of the Angels by Breaking Benjamin. Google lyrics cause I'm lazy, lol.

I'm getting there. I stumble, but I stumble forward...

I'm actually afraid to step on the scale. I can feel the pounds coming off so slowly that I think I'll be disappointed if I look down and see that the needle hasn't moved much.

I went to work overnight last night. It was easy enough work. I just had to watch over a resident that tried to break out of the facility. Literally. She climbed over her roommates bed, took off the screen and had a leg out the window.

Anyway, while my escape artist slept, I conversed with my coworkers. A girl there told me I lost a lot of weight. This made me feel good. Then she asked how much more I wanted to lose. I told her a lot. I'm short. I need a much smaller body weight. She looked at me funny and said that I shouldn't lose too much more. My bone structure looked big and the weight I am now is good on me. I feel like a tub of lard. I'm not quite sure how she justifies that. She said my face is round and if I lose more in my face, it might look sunken in.

I know she's looking out for me, but my weight ideals definately don't match hers. I know I need to keep working. And I will. I know losing thirty more lbs will look even better. I want to prove it. Little did she know, she gave me motivation.

Song right now: Dear Agony by Breaking Benjamin
I have nothing left to give
I have found the perfect end
You were made to make it hurt
Disappear into the dirt
Carry me to heaven's arms
Light the way and let me go
Take the time to take my breath
I will end where I began

And I will find the enemy whithin
Because I can feel it crawl beneath my skin

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Dear Agony

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me
Faceless enemy
I'm so sorry
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony

Suddenly
The lights go out
Let forever
Drag me down
I will fight for one last breath
I will fight until the end

And I will find the enemy within
Because I can feel it crawl beneath my skin

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me
Faceless enemy
I'm so sorry
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony

Leave me alone
God let me go
I'm blue and cold
Black sky will burn
Love pull me down
Hate lift me up
Just turn around
There's nothing left

Somewhere far beyond this world
I feel nothing anymore

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me
Faceless enemy
I'm so sorry
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Dear Agony

I feel nothing anymore

Starting Over.

I've been doing well the last week. Lost about four lbs. I'm living with my grandparents because my grandpa is sick and I was asked to take care of him. He get's concerned with how much I don't eat. Constantly pushing me to eat what my grandmother cooks. I tell him I'm not hungry and make myself a protein shake to fill me up. I'm downing water like crazy. I broke down a bit tonight and took a helping of plain chocolate cake. It wasn't great. I don't know why I did it. Weakness perhaps. But still, I've resolved to keep doing better. My calorie counter on my new phone is amazing. I love that app.

Hope everyone is doing well. Got some work to do tonight. Sleep tight.

Song tonight: Need You Now by Lady Antebellum
Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever crossed your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin at all

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
I just need you now
Ooo, baby, I need you now

Hello again...

...hello.

Lost it a bit during the holidays. Thought I had so much control, but I'm starting to regain my focus. People are saying I'm looking skinnier, but I don't see it. Hell, I probably gained since Christmas. I'm too afraid to step on the scale, but tomorrow, I will force myself to face my fears. Today was good, but tomorrow, it begins again.